I want to talk about pain

I am naturally a high on life person. I am usually always upbeat, energetic, and hyper. I am very rarely ever just "chill". I don't know why I am this way, but I don't question it. I don't necessarily see it as an affliction. When I was younger, especially in my early teenage years, I was bullied by peers and my ex step-dad to the point of where I would cry in bedroom under my bed for God to kill me if my life was never going to get better. That was when I decided that my mind has the power to change the way I think. I have the power to change the way I feel about what these people were doing to me. I taught myself how to always, no matter what happens in life, think positive. It was not easy, but now at 24 years old, it has completely stuck with me, after nearly 10 years.

When I feel pain, I immediately think of how to make it stop. How can I not mask it, but resolve it. I am not talking about physical pain. I am talking about the pain that people do not ever see. The type of pain that only the select few people that are so deeply close to you, can realize. When I encounter a problem, my first instinct is to analyze it. I want to understand it and directly start to make a plan on what to do next. That is how a situation improves. Not by crying, telling everyone what happened, and begging for pity. That may help ones ego, but I am not in the business for band-aids.
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There is one pain that I can't master. And that is pain in the heart caused for loving someone. And with my personality, I do not just "love" someone... I pour every ounce of my heart, soul, body, mind into my partner. It has only happened twice in my life, and that is only because I do not do it easily. I am a very intense and passionate person with everything I do in my life. I either want it or I don't. I am an extremist. That is not always a good thing, but I deal it with one step at a time. 

When I have something or someone that I genuinely love, I do everything in power to make it work. I will fight until I bleed, run until I am dust, and work until useless on my knees. But there comes a point when that becomes insanity. When you are trying over and over again, going in the same pattern, doing everything YOU can, and nothing changes. 

It simply will not work. How can that be a plausible excuse? I am working so hard, how can I not fix this? How can this not work? I am trying so hard...

but it doesn't. It does not work.

I finally learned to accept that. It took me a long, long, long time. Alas, I learned. And I am OK with it.

But there is still pain.

Pain that will come and go because only time heals all. You can drown yourself in alcohol, but the pain is there, it is waiting at the bottom of that bottle. You can pop a pill, but the pain is there, it is right behind the drug that is in your bloodstream. You can lie naked with a person you do not really care about. You can pretend their touch is another persons. You can pretend that the momentary pleasure you are feeling is the intense passion you once had. But when you finish, the pain will cover you... just like the clothes you put over your body from his dusty floor. 

Pain from the heart cannot be masked. My opinion is that you have to face it like a battle in war. Moving on from one partner to another to another does nothing but divert the issues and pour a sham of happiness into somewhere it does not belong. Healing from something like being in love takes raw strength. You have to look deep inside of yourself and fight through it. You know that feeling when you're thinking about old times? You know those days and nights you wish would have never ended? I'm talking about that feeling, that is what you have to fight. You know when you're thinking about how you envisioned the rest of your life with someone and it was ripped away from you? Doesn't it make it hard to breathe? Doesn't your heart feel like it is going to pop out of your chest? I'm talking about fighting that kind of pain. 

Moving on from this type of pain is very hard and can only be done one step at a time and one day at a time. I breathe easier by know that I have done the right thing. I did the thing neither of us was strong enough to do. And on a night like tonight, for the first time in a very long time, that pain has crept up on me. And I am letting it. My heart hurts, but that just means it's healing. I'm letting the memories surface. I'm letting it take me back to how I once felt. I am sitting in my dark place. And by facing these demons, by enduring this pain, I am going to pull through it. I am weak, but I am much stronger. 


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